Heart
by hbomba
Summary: Lauren helps Bo grieve after Kenzi.


Title: Heart

Author: hbomba

Rating: M

Summary: Lauren helps Bo deal with her grief after losing Kenzi.

Spoilers: Up to 4x13.

* * *

"We shall draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and survival."

-Winston Churchill

* * *

She was different now. Lauren watched her from across the table as they shared lunch over. Bo's eyes flicked up from her salad.

"What?" she took a forkful into her mouth.

Lauren shook her head and met her eyes with a concerned squint. "Nothing."

"I can see your wheels turning all the way over here."

"I'm just-" Lauren started.

"-concerned," Bo interrupted.

"I know you've been lonely since Kenzi…"

"Tired of keeping me company?"

She furrowed her brow. "No, of course not." She shook her head for emphasis. "I want to be here for you, Bo but you're somewhere else. You walk around in a haze and, Bo, I get it. I miss her, too. But-" Lauren stopped herself as Bo pushed away from her lunch and got up from the table. She walked toward the stairs.

"I'm taking a nap," she called over her shoulder before ascending the stairs to the second floor.

Lauren sighed. She threw out what was left of their salads and washed the plates and cutlery before settling onto the couch. Since Bo's latest near miss with the end of the world, Lauren had a lot of time to reflect. About life and death, friends and foe, but more than anything about Bo. They had reached an unspoken understanding and Lauren felt confident things were going to work out before Kenzi had died. Now, things were in flux once again and Lauren was doing the best she could managing Bo's ever-changing emotions.

Lauren stood and climbed the stairs quietly. Her footsteps alerted Bo to her presence and when she entered her bedroom Bo lay with her back to the doorway. Rocking back on her heels, she crossed her arms. She just wanted to make it right. To stop Bo's agonizing. Three steps and Lauren was crawling onto the bed behind Bo. Her body shook with a silent sob. "I failed. I failed her."

Her arm slipped around Bo's waist. "Kenzi saved us all, Bo." A hand smoothed over her hair.

"It was my destiny, my burden. I didn't ask her for this. I could never have asked that of her."

"I know," she shushed her with a kiss on the neck.

"I don't know if I can do this without her."

Lauren propped herself up on her elbow. "Hey," she cooed. "You are not alone." Bo turned in her arms, Lauren rested her forehead against Bo's. "We'll get through this."

The tears in Bo's eyes and the lump in her throat told the story. Lauren knew that Bo had a lot to process and she knew it was going to take time to make peace with the situation. It didn't matter, though, Lauren had nothing but time.

* * *

On days when Lauren needed to catch her breath, escape Bo's grief and let loose with some science, she would employ Dyson or Tamsin to keep a watchful eye on Bo. The atmosphere at the clubhouse was oppressive and Bo had made her swear that she wouldn't leave her alone when this had started. When Kenzi had died. She had to keep in touch with that fact. Kenzi was gone. Her human compatriot had paid the ultimate price for loving Bo. Lauren imagined being in the same position and reacting as Kenzi had. As dramatic and foolhardy as it sounded, Lauren would sacrifice herself similarly. For mankind. For love. For the time she had been privileged to share her life with Bo.

As Lauren dosed a batch of test tubes with her latest experiment, she sighed. The pleasure she derived from the scientific method was dulled. All else failed to compare to Bo's pain. Living with it every day, tempering it when it became too intense and loving her, always loving her no matter what. She slid the test tube rack into the small refrigerator under the counter. She'd been gone for two and a half hours and despite the fact that Tamsin had relieved her, Lauren had become hopelessly co-dependent.

She peeled the latex gloves from her hands and tossed them in the trash and within minutes she was en route to Bo, once again.

* * *

The first time Bo had courted her through the hollowness, through the tears, Lauren hesitated. But a kiss that pulled Lauren in left her gasping. Bo was bound and determined to escape her emptiness and Lauren stayed by her side. She needed Bo as much as Bo needed her in those days after the loss of their friend.

She tried not to feel guilty for feeling so good at the hands of Bo when they were both hurting so badly. But as Bo crushed her mouth into hers, Lauren relinquished control. It was Bo who telegraphed her need then and Lauren who made her feel loved. Sometimes Bo would cry after their climax and Lauren would swallow the guilt she felt and hold her until the tears subsided.

But always, always, Lauren would comfort her at any cost. She had spent the better part of six months on the outside with Bo. An outside she created for her own reasons, but she was on the outside all the same. During that time her love never wavered. In fact, it was impossible to deny. She was preoccupied consistently and though she was executing the best work or her scientific career she had no one to share it with. She was alone with the Dark, especially after she alienated Bo.

Kenzi had become a good friend to Lauren, who kept Lauren apprised of Bo's status even in her exile. When word of the Una Mens came, Lauren had to drop off the map. Sometimes she would drive miles to mail Kenzi a postcard just to let her know she was still alive. They both loved Bo and when Kenzi could see that in Lauren, she softened. Though, their friendship was short-lived, she understood the depth of Bo's sadness because she understood how special Kenzi was.

Even as they lay in bed, creeping closer to slumber, bodies warmed by orgasm, she could feel the heaviness settle over Bo once again. Freedom was short-lived as her mind began to spin with coulds, woulds, and shoulds. This was the special hell Bo found herself trapped in and Lauren could practically hear Bo's thoughts tonight.

"I should have saved her." Bo whispered into the darkness.

Lauren sighed. "The prophecy-"

"-is shit," Bo spat. "Kenzi wasn't in it."

Lauren pondered her next move. She could try to reason with Bo or she could take a tougher stance. There was only so long Lauren could let herself be part of a guilt-loop and she could see now that Bo had probably been spinning for much too long. Lauren sat up, dropping her legs over the edge of the bed.

Bo sat up on her elbow, "Where are you going?"

"It's been six weeks, Bo. We just keep going around and around."

"She was my best friend-"

"And I get that, I really do, but you have to find your peace about this because we're living in a vacuum and I love you, God help me, but I can't watch you flog yourself anymore."

"So you're leaving me?" Bo asked incredulously. "Just like that?"

"No, I'm going down to the couch so you can be alone with your thoughts." Lauren slipped into a robe and turned away quickly so Bo couldn't see the emotions that were bubbling to the surface. Lauren's hand was on the stairway wall when Bo's voice tempted her to come back.

"I'm sorry," Bo said boldly. "Please don't go."

Lauren turned toward the bedroom, not lifting her eyes from the floor. "I miss her too, Bo."

"Come back to bed," she coaxed.

Lauren shook her head. "Kenzi wouldn't want any of this." She leaned against the doorway. "She would never, ever want you to be this sad."

Bo looked at her hands. "If this is an intervention, it's working." Walking into the bedroom, Lauren stood at the foot of the bed, hesitant once again. "Come back to bed," Bo asked again. "I'll keep my hands to myself. Promise."

Lauren's hands untied the robe before she shrugged it off an hung it up again. The bed was still warm and Bo's frame surrounded her as soon as she pulled the covers over herself. She waited for the punch line. For what Lauren could only presume the status quo sounded like, but it never came. Instead, Bo held her long into the night, soothing her when she when Lauren would awake with a start as she so often did these days.

When morning dawned, Bo's energy was renewed. She stood at the foot of the bed dressing in black. The air felt lighter despite Bo being suspiciously quiet. Lauren sat up. "You okay?"

Bo smiled, something Lauren had not seen over the past six weeks and she breathed a sigh of relief. "Everything's fine," Bo said, buckling her belt and cinching her thigh holster.

Lauren stood, wrapped in bed clothes she approached Bo. "You know I didn't mean-" she started.

"I know." Bo cut her off. "But you were right. It was time." She zipped up her boot.

"Where are you going?" Lauren asked, running a hand through her hair.

"To see an old friend." Bo said solemnly.

And Lauren knew she meant Kenzi. Bo had been avoiding visiting for the past month in her grief haze and now she was setting off on her own-something she hadn't done since Kenzi had died-and Lauren was left to ponder what had finally snapped Bo out of mourning.

While Bo was out, Lauren took the opportunity to return to her apartment and refresh her clothes stock. She'd been living out of a duffel bag at Bo's since this had all began. Her apartment smelled stale so she opened a window. She sat at the breakfast bar, cool breeze blowing gently on her face as she inhaled deeply. Life was complicated and, in the world of the Fae, often terrifying. When a chill ran through her, Lauren closed the window firmly, her eyes scanned the open space of her living room but she never felt at home there. She felt like a trespasser, an alien in her own home. She zipped the newly-filled duffel and threw the strap over her shoulder. It was definitely time to go.

* * *

She dropped her bag by the front door when she returned to the clubhouse where there was still no sign of Bo. Pulling the latest issue of Popular Science from her bag, she plopped onto the couch. She licked her thumb, teasing the pages apart carefully. Lauren tried to focus on the article about cold fusion but her thoughts were a jumbled mess and all she could think about was Bo.

The front door slammed and Bo cruised through the inner door shortly thereafter. Lauren dropped the magazine on the coffee table and stood, wiping her palms on her jeans. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah," Bo said, eyeing the bag by the door. "What about you? Going somewhere?" Bo slid a pizza onto the table.

Lauren shook her head. "I went out for some clean clothes."

Bo nodded, satisfied with that answer. "Aren't you tired of going back and forth?"

Lauren didn't even have to pretend to think about it. The answer was unequivocally yes and when Bo sat on the coffee table, fingering the pages of Popular Science and looked up into Lauren's eyes, she knew at once what Bo was going to say. "I was thinking…" she started, inhaling deeply. "Why don't you stay… get rid of that place in Dark Fae territory, and move in with me."

Lauren considered her request, really considered it. For the first time since Kenzi died, Lauren could tell Bo wasn't running anymore. That she didn't ask Lauren to stay out of fear but rather to move things along. She wasn't asking Lauren to be a replacement for Kenzi, she was, however, begging her to stay and Lauren wanted nothing more than to oblige.

"Can I sleep on it?" she asked cautiously, reaching a hand out to caress Bo's knee.

Bo tried to hide her disappointment beneath a smile and a nod. "Of course." She looked away.

Lauren smoothed a hand over Bo's thigh. "Let's eat. I'm famished." Lauren stood and pulled Bo along with her. It was a Kenzi special. Pepperoni and extra cheese. Lauren had shared many just like this one with the pair and even though Bo would be happy with a cheese pizza she still bought the Kenzi special. What was that they say about old habits? They sat across from one another sharing the familiar meal. Lauren bit into a slice and smiled, shaking her head. Bo silently chewed her crust, appraising her. Her gaze was neither overly critical or underwhelming, in fact it was one of primal need. Bo had held it together the entire day and now her resolve was weakening, slowly falling to shreds right before Lauren's eyes. Her hand pressed into Bo's cheek.

"I tried. Tried to be strong for you, for her, I-I'm sorry. How do you move past the death of someone you love?" Bo asked, genuinely baffled.

"I don't think you ever do," Lauren said. "You just find ways to cope with their absence."

"I feel hollowed and empty most days and hopeless the rest. If you weren't here… I don't know what I would do, Lauren. Please stay."

She had tried to set a boundary but now saw how foolish that was. Bo needed her and Lauren owed it to Bo to be the one to calm the waves of anxiety and temper her fear. Lauren was bound and determined not to become a crutch for the strongest woman she had ever met, but she was also certain that even Bo had a vulnerable spot-her family.

Lauren pushed away from the table and pulled Bo along to the couch where they sat and reminisced about Kenzi for hours on end. As they did, Bo brooded less and smiled more. Later when the wine glasses were full and the candles were lit, Bo was able to put Kenzi to bed for the day and focus on Lauren, who had patiently guided her through the unknown.

"You're amazing, you know that?" Bo's eyes sparkled in the half-light.

Lauren looked into the rouge liquid swirling in her glass. She shook her head. "It's you who are the special one. The Succubus Queen, leader of the Fae. It's a little daunting, to love someone as destined as you. I'm just trying to keep up."

Bo's mouth quirked upwards. "Don't believe the hype."

"I've seen your power with my own eyes and it is terrifying and magnificent." Lauren finished her glass of wine and set it on the coffee table.

"Don't you think you're a little biased?"

"I've been your doctor, your lover and confidant but even I don't know what you are truly capable of. You're an enigma, a wild card and I'm betting on you."

"Why, Doctor, I bet you say that to all the girls."

"Only you." Lauren smiled.

Bo reached across the expanse of the couch and pulled Lauren into a kiss. It was soft and tender and she was being pulled under by Bo once again. "Please stay," Bo whispered in the charged air between the women.

The desperation had gone from Bo's request. No longer a plea, it was a hanging question and Lauren knew what her answer was. So why, she wondered, should she withhold it? "I'll start packing tomorrow."

Bo squeezed her knee. "You mean it?"

"Absolutely," Lauren nodded.

Setting her wine glass on the side table, Bo leaned across the velvet couch to kiss her. Soft and sweet, chaste, even but Lauren felt Bo coming back to her. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, Bo was emerging from her cocoon of grief. She was not leaving Kenzi behind but rather coming to terms with the fact that sometimes even a Queen can't decide who lives or dies. That a friend lost on the battlefield, even a noble sacrifice cannot be resurrected sometimes. And that love did not die with Kenzi. In fact, her heart crowded her chest now, beating for Lauren, for her family.

Tomorrow they would start again as Lauren and Bo, the Doctor and the Succubus, lovers at the edge of the world, having wasted far too much time over the past year. It was time to simplify. They would be together, finally. No more half-assed commitments, Bo would check-in for Lauren because her love kept Bo grounded, safe and it filled in the voids Bo could not fill herself. There would be no more sacrifices for the Fae's cause-whatever that was anymore-because Bo was the most powerful Fae and it was time she bought into it, too. So she would move forward without Kenzi but continue to pull strength from her loss, convincing herself that she could take a step forward with the ache she felt in her chest. She would never leave her behind, never forget the gift of her friendship and the love they shared. Kenzi was one in a million and Bo would defend her memory with every slash of her sword and swipe of her knife. Kenzi would become the fire in her belly, the reason for it all. Bo was no longer afraid anymore.

* * *

FIN


End file.
